Crazy pills

Guys, I think you know I want to have another baby so badly. Like so much so that the ache in my empty belly is starting to drag me down. As I mentioned we are definitely hoping to adopt again which is exciting, but regardless I really want to experience pregnancy again.

Sooooo I’m throwing out a Hail Mary and trying one final round of Clomid. This will be my third round of the “crazy pills” as I call them in the last 8 years. 1 round is 3 months of taking the pill on cycle days 5 through 9. I’m on day 3 of my first round.

Unfortunately any major infertility treatments are not an option as we suffered through 3 rounds of unsuccessful IVF 6 years ago aka wasted a shiz ton of money on something that doesn’t work for us. (To be honest I would do IVF again just to see if it could work, but Gabe is against it. It’s ridiculously expensive and takes a huge emotional toll on us both so I have to respect his wishes.) And that means my only help comes in the form of Clomid. It’s a little white pill that helps your body to ovulate by producing bigger and/or more eggs.

The thing about Clomid is that the side effects are nuts because you basically feel like a CRAZY person. The mood swings are uncontrollable, migraine like headaches, nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, weight gain, abdominal pain etc etc. You can see why it’s my not fav. Thankfully I can take my little white pill at night before bed so the majority of the side effects hit while I’m sleeping or at least when it’s quiet and I can rest.

Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with feelings of guilt for even wanting this so badly when I already have two perfect and healthy children. Some woman still don’t have any and my heart breaks for you. Though I’m quick to remind myself: if God didn’t want me to have more kids He wouldn’t put this desire on my heart. The feeling is so strong and so undeniable that I simply can’t dismiss it. So I won’t give up, I won’t stop praying and I won’t rest until I’m holding ALL of my children in my arms.

Even if it means taking this crazy pill for three more months and losing my freaking mind in the process. If it works, it’s totally worth it. If it doesn’t then at least I’ll take comfort in knowing that I’ve done everything I possibly could.

I’m praying for a miracle and thought you all deserve to know what’s going on. Last year when I did Clomid I kinda left ya hanging with the details of my experience and that’s not fair. You supported me during my first bout with infertility, shared in the joys of motherhood and I believe you’ll be here for me again. Just like I’d like to be there for you if I can.

Dear Lord...let’s make us a baby.

Much love as always. ♥️